Names That Would Have Been So Much Better Than Saint

Celebrity couples are famous for their "creative" baby names, and when Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced the birth of their second child on Saturday, December 5, 2015, there was massive speculation in the media and on social networks over what the name would be. By the following Monday, Kimye didn't disappoint, revealing that the world is now blessed to include a Saint West. Unlike for us regular folk, there are literally no limits when it comes to naming a celeb baby, and in many ways that probably makes the decision quite challenging (it's amazing we get as many half sensible names as we do). But alternatively, it also means that no matter what the parents decide, there will always have been a million better alternatives. Here are a few names that would have been so much better than Saint.

Following the birth of Kim and Kanye's first child, a daughter named North, many speculated that the couple would look to the other side of the compass for their second child. "South" has been touted by many as the natural choice, but when the suggestion was made to Kim she quickly shot it down, saying to NPR "I don't like South West, though, because that's like, you know, North will always, you know, be better and be more...she has a better direction". Unfortunately her directional bias has prevented Kim from setting up one of the greatest sibling rivalries in history. North versus South, hot versus cold, boy versus girl—a manufactured family feud that could have entertained the society pages for decades, and neatly mirrored and highlighted the regional and personal tensions of our time! But no, they went with Saint.

When you consider all the directional naming possibilities, Kanye's undeniable self-confidence that the boy will certainly inherit, and his inevitable success at whatever he decides to do, it is perhaps surprising that the couple didn't call him "Manifest Destiny." The beauty of this name is that it goes so well with the surname West, and almost guarantees him a place as an American figurehead. In fact, America would be obliged to make sure he succeeded—how depressing would it be for America to have a famous dropout/drug addict called "Manifest Destiny West"?

Kimye was definitely too quick to dismiss the other directions, because there are more directions than just North, South, East, and West. And calling their son Clockwise West would have been amazing. Never would a child have a better magic name. It would create a guaranteed magician, but even just as a power name, it rules. "Clockwise West" just sounds right, in the same way we say right (not left) to mean correct. Clockwise West is so confident and forward-moving; it sounds, sort of...inevitable.

So directional naming isn't going to become a Kimye family tradition, but there is another naming tradition that no-one seems to have picked up on in all this speculation. Why isn't anyone talking about names that begin with K? Most of the Kardashians and co. have names that begin with K, i.e. Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie etc. So why not Kevin? Or Keanu? Just don't go too far and give him a middle name as well, no baby needs to have KKK as his initials.

The slightly confusing title to Kanye's sixth solo album would be the perfect name for the new Master West. Offering a new take on the tradition of biblical naming by combining the subtle hint of Christianity with a contemporary buzzword, it would also check that other important box on Kanye's list: self-promotion. Despite going platinum, sales of Yeezus were not what they could have been because of its unconventional promotion. Naming his son Yeezus would probably revive sales of the album (and possibly get the word "Yeezus" added to the dictionary), and that would suit Kanye just fine. But jokes aside, there is another good reason to name the boy Yeezus: in the aftermath of the album release at a New York listening party, Kanye talked about the meaning of the title. He was reported to say "simply put, West was my slave name and Yeezus is my god name". And that makes it a very good name.

Kim's father Robert Kardashian passed away in 2003 and the couple reportedly considered naming their first son after him—this touching choice was dropped though and that's a shame. So many celeb babies will have to grow up and succeed despite the ridiculous name they (and we) are burdened with, but a name like Robert would be a breath of fresh air in a world of crazy. And in the fast-paced world of celeb gossip where nothing lasts longer than the next front page, a subtle reminder of your roots can only be a good thing.

If the grandparents are a bit far away to lend their names, then perhaps the boy could be named after his old man. Kanye Jr. is a pretty straightforward option that would nevertheless send shockwaves through the gossip pages. This is an American naming tradition that you don't see all that often in celeb circles, and would be perfect for two reasons. First, the world can always use a little bit more Kanye, and second, everyone knows no one loves Kanye more than Kanye, so naming the boy Kanye Jr. can only be good for familial harmony.

We live in the modern world, and since gender divisions are so passe, then why not call the boy Kim Jr.? This contemporary twist on an old tradition would do double duty by maximizing shock value while challenging gender norms. And what would be so bad about a boy called Kim? It works in North Korea.

Kimye reportedly struggled to conceive this time around, and so they started calling the kid Saint before he was even born—and it stuck. But they have been receiving flak from commentators and fans alike since the name was announced. A subtler way to give thanks for their little miracle would have been to name him Gerard, after St. Gerard Majella, the patron saint of expectant mothers. Gerard is also a pleasantly ordinary name, the benefits of which have already been covered, and no one would be expecting it.

The name Donald has been rapidly falling down the popularity lists, thanks to ongoing Republican political drama. It's a name that is rapidly becoming synonymous with controversial opinions. By naming the their latest offspring Donald, Kimye would have done the world a favor and condemned the political connection to at least the second page of Google search results...if only for a couple of days.