The Untold Truth Of Fiona Apple

This article contains descriptions of sexual assault, mental illness, and addiction. 

When Fiona Apple first appeared on MTV in the late '90s, the conversation around her was focused mainly on her looks. The video for her hit single, "Criminal" featured the lithe, blue-eyed beauty in various states of undress, frolicking with other young and model-pretty people. In 1997, a Spin magazine profile on the teenage musician proclaimed, "Fiona Apple is a pop star trapped in the body of a pretty teenage girl," but that was a grave underestimation.

Apple is a trained musician and a gifted songwriter who rose to fame and stayed there, not coasting by on her sex appeal, but through the sheer force of her vocals and her intelligent and complex lyricism. Apple garnered legions of devoted fans and continues to stun audiences with pared-down performances where her impassioned delivery takes center stage. Not only is she a powerhouse musician, but she is also brutally honest, politically active, and a survivor of trauma. 

During a lull from the photoshoot for the 1997 Spin profile — taken by the controversial Terry Richardson — the "Hot Knife" singer notoriously deflected orders to act sexy and seduce him by repeatedly stating, "There's no hope for women, there's no hope for women." Over the past two decades, she has proven to be much more than just a pop star, and one who has assuredly given hope to women through her thoughtful, defiant music. This is the untold truth of Fiona Apple.

Fiona Apple has been playing music since she was a child. "I had been playing piano very, very seriously starting when I was about eleven. I would write scores to chase scenes in National Geographic explorer series," she said during an interview early in her career. She spoke about wanting to leave New York while she was still a teenager to try for a career in music. "I told my sister that I'd heard a voice telling me to go to California and make a demo tape," she shared in another early interview, and so she did just that, making her first batch of 78 demo tapes at her father's prompting. Apple thought the volume of tapes was ridiculous as she didn't want to have to talk to that many different people about her music. It turns out she didn't have to. "I still have 77 of [the demo tapes]," she said.

As Apple told MTV, she gave her first demo to a friend, who babysat for the powerful publicist, Kathryn Schenker. The PR executive then played the tracks at a party where they were heard by the musician's future manager and producer, Andy Slater. "I couldn't believe [the demo] was written and sung by a 17-year-old," he told Billboard in June 1996. "It sounded like a 30-year-old singer who had written a lifetime's worth of material. I thought someone was playing a joke on me." Slater signed Apple to his label and she released her iconic debut album "Tidal."

It shouldn't be seen as a radical statement that Fiona Apple doesn't want children. Radical or not, the musician is not one to bend to society's outdated standards, either way. The artist made the revelation during a 2012 interview with Interview, where she plainly stated,  "I've never wanted kids." But just because she doesn't want children, doesn't mean the concept of parenting doesn't interest her. Apple explained, "I do read about parenting a lot. For some reason it's very interesting to me — I think because I'm just big on self-parenting." In fact, while reflecting on her 1997 VMA speech, she mused, "... that was my top moment of self-parenting. No matter if I didn't say it completely right, I said what I wanted to say."

That same year, she confessed to Pitchfork that for a while she'd been considering whether she could ever be a mother. "I wondered if I actually didn't want to, or if I just worried that I wouldn't be able to put their problems in front of mine," she stated. To see if she had the emotional fortitude for raising children, she volunteered at UCLA's occupational therapy ward and worked with children who experienced autism and OCD. Apple recalled that the children would get the most upset while waiting for the elevator. When a co-worker explained, "Transitions are the hardest," she appeared to have her own epiphany, sharing, "I said to myself, 'Transitions are always the hardest.'"

Like many of her peers in the music industry, Fiona Apple has been open about her mental health issues. The singer has spoken about her experiences with depression, PTSD, and OCD, and she uses her incredible songwriting ability to express what these afflictions feel like. That's clear in a song like "Heavy Balloon" from 2020, in which sang, "We get dragged down, down to the same spot enough times in a row, the bottom begins to feel like the only safe place that you know." As she explained to The New Yorker about one aspect of her mental ailments, "It's almost like you get Stockholm syndrome with your own depression — like you're kidnapped by your own depression."

To add to the challenges posed by Apple's diagnoses, she also claimed her treatment was mismanaged. That same year, she told Vulture that she had been prescribed the wrong medications which only complicated matters for her. "I had been put on an antipsychotic. Nobody who is not psychotic should be put on an antipsychotic," she said. Coming off these powerful medications was no walk in the park, either. "I was getting tics, and it was the worst," she recalled. "I woke up one day and I couldn't see — it was double vision from morning until night, and we found out that was a side effect from withdrawal." She told the outlet she has since felt much better, crediting taking the correct medication as well as quitting drinking in 2018.

If you or someone you know needs help with mental health, please contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), or visit the National Institute of Mental Health website.

Fiona Apple has built a large and devoted fanbase over the course of the past two decades. Naturally, many of those fans are musicians themselves. The "Fast As You Can" star has collaborated with a variety of different artists including the iconic Elvis Costello, and the late great Johnny Cash. She has also lent her vocals to duets with contemporary artists such as Phoebe Bridgers and King Princess.

Apple's raw vocals, brilliant songwriting, and stark, emotional stage presence have earned praise from artists across genres. In 2018, St. Vincent's Annie Clark told the BBC, "She's a true freak of nature. That brain of hers is really something." When the star covered Sharon Van Etten's "Love More," the artist behind the track gushed about Apple in a statement published by Consequence. She shared, "The emotional rawness and visceral angst and honesty of Fiona Apple's music was first met by my teenage years ... She made me want to have something to say."

Meanwhile, during a 2005 conversation between Apple and Kanye West for Interview magazine (via Fiona Apple Rocks), the hip-hop superstar told her that the wordplay and vocal style she exhibited on "Tidal" was a huge influence on his album, "Late Registration." He asked Apple, "How is your vocabulary so ill?" and even suggested he held her talents in even higher regard than those of lyrical legend, Lauryn Hill. 

Fiona Apple has an impressive discography, with some of her earliest hits still in regular rotation on contemporary radio stations. But when she performs live, there are some songs that have been scraped from the set list. During one of the many videos she has posted to YouTube via Fiona Apple Rocks, Apple answered a fan question about the songs she has personally retired. She listed "Never is a Promise" saying, "I don't want to sing that because I don't want to be back in that place." She also claims she doesn't even know how to play it anymore. 

Apple went on to explain that she does not play the song "Jonathan" anymore as it was for a specific person – her ex-boyfriend, the author Jonathan Ames, with whom she still has a close friendship. Though she added that she still loves the man behind the track, she isn't comfortable with singing it anymore. Understandably, the musician also listed "Hot Knife" as a song she won't play live due to the complexity of its arrangement. The track features a complex layering of her and her sister's vocals which would be difficult to recreate on stage.

Since Fiona Apple has been in the spotlight for her entire adult life, it stands to reason that she would find love with partners who were also accustomed to a certain degree of fame. Not all of these relationships ended well, and many of the musician's exes became the subjects of her songs. In the '90s, Apple met magician David Blaine and the two dated for just about a year. The pair split amicably and stayed friendly, although Apple was disturbed to learn Blaine had been listed in Jeffrey Epstein's black book, per The New Yorker.

The star went on to date Paul Thomas Anderson, the director of esteemed films such as "Boogie Nights" and "The Master." As Apple detailed to The New Yorker, the couple had a somewhat tumultuous relationship, with the performer alleging that her ex could be cruel and had quite the temper. A little over a decade since their breakup, the filmmaker directed the music video for "Hot Knife." Anderson is now in a long-term partnership with Maya Rudolph with whom he has four children.

Apple also briefly dated the comedian Louis C.K., who was later accused of sexual harassment by multiple women. She shared her dismay over his unwillingness to appropriately consider his behavior and apologize for his actions, telling The New Yorker, "I shake when I have to think and write about myself. It's scary to go there but I go there. He is so weak."