7 Red Flags In Barack And Michelle Obama's Marriage
Barack and Michelle Obama have often been called the ultimate power couple and it's no surprise given that they celebrated 30 years of marriage in 2022. However, despite appearances, Michelle's relationship with Barack is far from perfect. Indeed, the Obamas' marriage has plenty of quirks and has withstood its share of strain, most notably while Barack pursued his political ambitions.
Since leaving the White House, both Michelle and Barack have spoken candidly about the imperfections of their three decade-long love affair. Speaking with GMA in 2018, the former first lady explained it's important for them to be honest because too many young couples misdiagnose their own marriages as unhealthy. "I want them to know that Michelle and Barack Obama — who have a phenomenal marriage and who love each other — we work on our marriage and we get help with our marriage when we need it," she said.
It's a sentiment she also shared with People that year, musing, "It's important for us to be honest and say, if you're in a marriage and there are times you want to leave, that's normal — because I felt that way." Here are seven red flags in Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage which prove their union has been a mix of good and bad, just like any other.
Barack Obama's marriage proposal started with a fight
Barack and Michelle Obama have been married for over three decades, but as the former FLOTUS told Stephen Colbert in 2018, there was a time when she wasn't sure they'd ever say "I do." "We would have these deep discussions about whether marriage was really necessary if two people really loved each other," she recalled. "He would make his lawyerly arguments and I would be irritated." As Michelle further explained in her 2018 memoir, "Becoming," she thought it was important to tie the knot while Barack wasn't so sure. They would frequently debate the topic "with hot gusto," including one fateful night while celebrating Barack finishing his bar exam. They were having dinner at one of their favorite restaurants, Gordon in Chicago, on July 31, 1991 when Barack again brought up the idea of marriage, saying he didn't see the point. "It was like pushing a button in me — the kind of big blinking red button you might find in some sort of nuclear facility surrounded by warnings signs and evacuation maps," she wrote.
Soon, they were arguing about the pros and cons for the umpteenth time. Michelle recalled asking her then-boyfriend, "Why wouldn't we formalize that commitment? What part of your dignity would be sacrificed by that?" To her surprise, a waiter suddenly appeared with a covered dessert plate. Under the lid was a velvet box with a diamond engagement ring. "He'd baited me," she wrote. "It had all been a ruse."
Michelle Obama had to give up her dreams to support Barack's
Barack Obama made history in 2008 as the first African-American to be elected president in the United States and all throughout his campaign, Michelle Obama was proudly by his side. In the eight years that followed, she also became a regular fixture in media and politics and always supported her husband. However, as she told The New York Times in 2009, Barack's ambition initially tested their marriage, big-time.
Things became particularly difficult after they became parents to Malia and Sasha Obama in 1998 and 2001, respectively. While Michelle tried to balance motherhood with her own law career, Barack was chasing his political dreams and their relationship was pushed to the edge. "This was sort of the eye-opener to me, that marriage is hard," Michelle told the outlet." While Barack was quick to add they never spoke about divorce, he did admit, "I wouldn't gloss over the fact that that was a tough time for us."
Michelle ultimately decided to leave her career behind. As she candidly shared in her Netflix documentary, "Becoming" (via People), "Something had to give and it was my aspirations and dreams." While she noted that Barack never asked her to quit her job, it was the only solution she saw. "It felt like, 'I can't do all of this, So I have to tone down my aspirations. I have to dial it back,'" she revealed.
Michelle 'couldn't stand' Barack for the first 10 years of marriage
After years of debating marriage, Michelle and Barack Obama tied the knot in 1992, but their arguments didn't end there. As Michelle confessed to Revolt TV in 2022, "There were 10 years when I couldn't stand my husband." They had just become parents and she began to resent Barack because while she was at home with the girls, he was able to pursue his career and even find time to go to the gym and on work trips.
"For 10 years, while we're trying to build our careers and, you know, worrying about school and who's doing what, I was like, 'Ugh, this isn't even,'" she confessed. Soon, she was forced to face a harsh reality. "Marriage isn't 50/50 — ever," she proclaimed. "There are times I'm 70, he's 30. There are times he's 60, [I'm] 40."
Michelle also spoke about that notion on an episode of "The Michelle Obama Podcast," sharing how things will inevitably change in any union once kids come. She argued that "just the act of giving birth creates an inequality" because "if your wife is breastfeeding, if she has a career, she's gonna have to make a different set of sacrifices than you do." As for how she and Barack made it through, Michelle said they simply refused to give up. "You've gotta know that there are going to be long periods of time when you can't stand each other" and just work through them, she said.
When they argue, it's intense
Michelle Obama has spoken candidly about the fact that her union isn't perfect. In addition to a difficult first decade of marriage, she revealed in her memoir, "Becoming," that she and Barack Obama actually had to learn how to argue in a healthier way because their communication styles were so different. "I tend to yell when I'm angry," she wrote. "When something sets me off, the feeling can be intensely physical, a kind of fireball running up my spine and exploding in the moment." As for him, he kept his cool. What's more, while Michelle quickly moved on, he remained affected. "I hit fast and hard and then I forget," she shared during a 2020 episode of "The Michelle Obama Podcast." "I had to learn that he feels things much more deeply for over a longer period of time."
That was particularly evident following an argument they had while still engaged. As Michelle recalled, they were driving and fighting and things became so heated, she took off her ring and threw it. "I said, 'Forget this. Who needs this?'" she said, clarifying, "I wasn't really throwing it out; I threw it where I knew it would go." Even so, that cut deep and Barack still remembers her exact words to this day. That's when she realized "you have to learn how to communicate in a way that the other person is actually going to hear it, not just in a way that's going to ease you of your feelings."
The White House put major pressure on their union
Barack Obama achieved the ultimate career goal when he won the presidency, however, that accomplishment wasn't without its downsides. Notably, the eight years he and his family spent in the White House put a very real strain on his marriage. As he revealed in his 2020 memoir, "A Promised Land," Michelle Obama wasn't thrilled with his plans from the get-go. When he first told her he wanted to run, she stormed out of the room but not before asking, "God, Barack, when is it going to be enough?"
Once he was in office, things didn't get any easier. Speaking with People in 2020, the former president acknowledged the hardships Michelle faced as the eyes of the world were now on her. "The pressure, stress, of needing to get everything right, to be 'on' at every moment," he recalled. What's more, she had to raise two young girls in the same environment – all while she had lost her partner in a way. "There were times where I think she was frustrated or sad or angry but knew that I had Afghanistan or the financial crisis to worry about, so she would tamp it down," he told People. Their routines were upended and ultimately, he was frustrated too. "The notion that I just couldn't take my wife out on a date without it being a political issue was not something I was happy with," he told The New York Times in 2009.
Barack and Michelle Obama sought professional help
Barack and Michelle Obama have spoken openly about their marital ups and downs and, as the former FLOTUS revealed in her memoir, "Becoming," they sought out professional help along the way. Michelle wrote how they saw the marriage counselor several times, although Barack was reluctant. "Sitting down in front of a stranger struck him as uncomfortable, if not a tad dramatic," she wrote. Even so, it ended up making their partnership stronger. For one, they addressed their communication. "Marriage counseling, for us, was one of those ways where we learned how to talk out our differences," Michelle told GMA in 2018. That was important because, as she admitted on "The Michelle Obama Podcast" their arguments aren't always healthy. "Sometimes, we can feel ourselves, just, lawyering ourselves to death," she said, admitting "We both like to win."
What's more, counseling gave Michelle the tools she needed to speak up for herself and create new, healthier routines. "I installed new boundaries, ones that worked better for me and the girls," she shared, noting how, for example, they no longer waited for Barack to finish his presidential duties in order to have dinner. "We made our schedule and stuck to it," she wrote. She also started prioritizing herself. As she told GMA, "What I learned about myself was that my happiness was up to me and I started working out more, I started asking for help, not just from him but from other people."
It took work to get their marriage back on track
Barack and Michelle Obama's secret to a long-lasting marriage is simple: don't give up. As Michelle told Revolt TV, she thinks young couples are too quick to break up. "We don't talk about how much work is required and how hard it is, even when you are madly in love with the person," she mused. She also underscored that fact on a 2020 episode of "The Michelle Obama Podcast," noting how too many people give up too soon because they think disagreements mean their union is broken or unhealthy. "If that breaks a marriage, then Barack and I have been broken off and on throughout our marriage," she shared.
As for her (imperfect) marriage with Barack, the end of the presidency marked a turning point – for the better. "It sure helps to be out of the White House and to have a little more time with her," Barack told CBS Mornings in 2023, admitting he wasn't fully in tune with Michelle's sacrifices during his time in office. "I did not fully appreciate [...] the degree of stress and tension for her," he said. Similarly, he previously told People in 2020, "It was like a big exhale right after we left office." Noting that Michelle was able to get back to her more relaxed, joyous self once his two terms were up, he added, "That allowed us to just enjoy the deep love that comes with a marriage this long, but also to be friends again."