The Glaring Red Flags In Rachael Ray And John Cusimano's Marriage

In an industry of fleeting relationships, Rachael Ray's longtime marriage to John Cusimano is a breath of fresh air. But they aren't couple goals in the traditional sense of the expression. There's no shortage of strange things in Ray and Cusimano's marriage — and they wouldn't have it any other way. But that doesn't mean some of those aren't red flags. Patrick Wanis, behavior and relationship expert and creator of SRTT Therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) with a focus on relationships, trauma, eating disorders, and addiction, analyzed some of them for Nicki Swift.

He found Ray and Cusimano's approach to conflict particularly troubling. Wanis also had a lot to say about the couple's attitude toward apologizing in the aftermath of a fight and their need for extreme independence. Still, while they might know their relationship is far from perfect, they also know they have found the right person for one another. After all, there's a reason it's so hard to make marriages work in the entertainment industry.

Ray needed someone willing to put up with her crazy schedule and ever-shifting priorities. Ray couldn't even make room for children, so she needed someone who understood. And Cusimano understands it all — and more. "I thought this person could be a true partner in what I believe in and helping people and building, not a business, but a community," she said on her "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" podcast. Ray might have found what she needed in Cusimano, but that doesn't mean some of their approaches aren't questionable. 

Rachael Ray and John Cusimano both have a temper and tend to clash pretty frequently. When that happens, it's usually bad news. "It's very hard, especially for hot-tempered or creative or vociferous loud people to be able to just calm it down," she said on her podcast, "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead," in 2024 (via People). "John and I don't calm it down ever. We have huge screaming matches all the time." As intense as that sounds, Ray defended their approach to conflict. "I think that's healthy. I really do. And I don't trust people that are too quiet," she argued. 

But Ray's opinion goes against professional advice. Patrick Wanis explained that the situation she described does nothing for the relationship and points to unresolved issues that need addressing. "Yelling and screaming often stem from a subconscious wound of deep frustration and resentment at not feeling heard, understood or validated," he tells Nicki Swift. Furthermore, the approach likely stems from a place of insecurity rooted in childhood issues. "If you're constantly yelling, your inner child is driving the conversation and interaction," he says.

Ray argued that she prefers aggressive outbursts instead of allowing emotions to be buried and become much bigger later on. However, Wanis assured that screaming isn't the only way — or even the healthy way — to communicate feelings. "It's critical to understand the emotional triggers and learning to self-regulate," he says. "What you don't heal, you'll repeat — often with intensity and pain."

Screaming matches are bad enough, but Rachael Ray and John Cusimano are also against apologizing to each other. They don't see the point. It's understood that the yelling is part of the deal, so they just carry on with their day as if it never happened. "I don't know that we ever apologize to each other," she said in the same "I'll Sleep when I'm Dead" episode. But according to Patrick Wanis, acknowledging the conflict is key to developing a healthy communication style. "[You need to] uncover your unmet emotional needs. Most arguments are surface-level — underneath is the need to feel significant, safe, understood, or validated," he says.

Instead, Ray prefers to show Cusimano she didn't take whatever was said to heart and that everything is okay between them. "Eventually I pat him on his a** or he kisses me on the head, and that's just sort of it. That's the apology," she explained. "It's just sort of understood. 'I still like your a**.' 'I still like your head.' It's kind of in that zone." But once again, Wanis advised that the approach isn't in the best interest of the relationship's long-term health.

He believes it's important to understand the unmet needs behind the outbursts of aggression. "To repair screaming matches, a couple must engage responsibility and self-awareness not just affection. A pat on the behind or a kiss isn't a substitute for a real emotional connection and ownership of harm caused," he warns. 

Rachael Ray and John Cusimano have a lot in common — their shared Italian heritage and love of food being chief among them. But that doesn't mean they want to share all of their interests. Part of what drew Ray to Cusimano was his understanding that her career path is unique and would demand a flexible partner to make a marriage work around it. She found just the right person willing to give her all the room she needed to breathe. "He understands I need my space. He needs his space," Ray said in another episode of "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" (via People). 

Ray even prefers not to involve Cusimano in a lot of her work-related activities. "John and I largely stay in separate corners," she added. This time, Patrick Wanis is with Ray — for the most part. "Healthy space allows each person to connect with themselves, calm the mind, and find their center again," Wanis says. However, if couples get too carried away in their pursuit of their individuality, they may end up distancing themselves from their partners. "When space becomes an escape or avoidance, it's no longer functional — it's emotional disconnection," he adds.

That said, establishing space from the other is beneficial in a relationship, but balance is key. "Couples can balance having personal space and independent time, while keeping their relationship strong by supporting each other's goals, dreams, expressing care, affection, and remembering that the relationship also needs time," he advises. 

Most men put a lot of thought into crafting the right opportunity to propose to their significant other. Well, not John Cusimano. He purchased a ring, but had no idea when he was going to pop the question. Unfortunately, he not only picked the absolute worst moment, but also had a bizarre instinct. Ray had been crying because the renovations on their newly purchased apartment had been delayed, which meant the place wasn't going to be done in time to host their families for the holidays. "I just wanted her to stop crying, so I threw the ring at her head," he revealed on "The Rachael Ray Show" in 2020.

Ray didn't realize right away what was happening and thought the blue box contained a key ring with the apartment keys. Needless to say, she didn't stop crying. "She screamed and I said something which at the time I thought was very charming, but I have no idea what I said," he detailed. But it worked, and Ray actually said yes. In their defense, they know their proposal was far from ideal. In fact, they deemed it the world's worst proposal ever.

And Ray wouldn't be mad if Cusimano took another pass at it. "I have to say, honey, I'm still alive. You could do a redo when one of these days," she told him. It's unclear if he ever did, but Ray and Cusimano renewed their vows in 2015, proving the engagement story was well in the past. 

Rachael Ray didn't think John Cusimano was the one when they met in 2001. In fact, they had doubts about the relationship even before meeting. When a mutual friend suggested they meet, Ray and Cusimano declined on the assumption that they'd have nothing in common. "We thought that we were so different from [the matchmaker] that neither one of us would actually like the other," she said on "The Rachael Ray Show" in 2020. They were wrong. When they met at the matchmaker's birthday party, they learned they had plenty in common.

Maybe too much so, Ray thought. Cusimano's interests and understanding of cooking and homemaking led her to make assumptions about his sexuality. "When we met, he had no idea what I did, and I thought he was gay," she said on "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" (via People). "He told me what he had made for dinner the night before, and it was so impressive, and he told me he was a lawyer. There's no way a straight guy knows what tilapia is." Her conviction was so strong that she tried to set Cusimano up with one of her guy friends.

That's how she learned he was interested in her. "He said, 'But I am not gay,'" she said on the "I've Never Said This Before" podcast in January (via Us Weekly). She couldn't have been happier. "Then I was like, 'Check, please,' and I couldn't wait to get him in the sack," she said.