What George Santos' Time In Prison Was Really Like

After a gushy plea to the president, George Santos has been released from Fairton Federal Prison. Donald Trump's reasoning for his release? Santos' extensive time spent in solitary confinement, which he'd been placed under for his protection. 

Record scratch, freeze frame. You're probably wondering what Santos said to Trump to convince the fellow felon to set him free. As seen in the letter, which was published by The South Shore Press, after a few obsequious opening paragraphs (more on those later), Santos shared that he'd been placed in solitary confinement after it was reported that there were death threats against him. However, far from the Special Housing Unit bringing him peace of mind, Santos explained that it had been incredibly difficult for him. "I am locked inside a small steel cage twenty-four hours a day. My only contact with the outside world is a brief phone call to my family — once every thirty days," Santos wrote. 

The embattled congressman, who was arrested on 13 federal charges back in 2023, went on to note that the end of his time in the SHU didn't seem to be in sight. This, he explained, was because the FBI had to complete its investigation into the threats before he could be guaranteed safety. "Until then, I exist in limbo, caught between uncertainty and silence," he wrote. Cue the deep, dramatic music. 

George Santos wasn't put into prison just for funzies. Au contraire, Santos has a very shady track record, with the former congressman ultimately sentenced to just over seven years for fraud and identity theft (the latter after he used his campaign donors' identities to charge their credit cards without permission). At the time of his sentencing, U.S. Attorney John J. Durham didn't mince his words, saying he planned to stay as aggressive with others accused of pulling the same stunts. "Public officials who criminally abuse our electoral process will end up in a federal prison," he warned. 

Evidently, Durham's condemnation was no match for Donald Trump's vanity, because aside from Santos complaining in his letter about his experience in solitary confinement, he used much of it to flatter the president's ego. In fact, possibly as much as half of Santos' letter was spent sucking up to the president. For one, there was his line about that magical moment the businessman, "Came down that golden escalator in Trump Tower." It's giving "A Cinderella Story." Just as Chad Michael Murray's facial expression suggested as he gazed upon Hilary Duff, Santos went on, "From that very moment, I was all in." Other standout lines included, "Supporting you wasn't just a political decision — it was personal."

Whether Trump's decision ultimately came down to flattery or a genuine belief that Santos was a reformed man (JK, the president mentioned specifically in a Truth Social post that he admired Santos' bravery, "To ALWAYS VOTE REPUBLICAN!" and described him not as a fraud, but a more delightful, "Rogue"), less than six months post-sentencing, Santos is a free man. TBD if their first post-prison hang will be a masquerade ball or tea time trash-talking their shared nemesis, Jimmy Kimmel.