The Sad Way Colton Underwood Used To Deal With His Sexuality

Colton Underwood surprised fans of "The Bachelor" when he came out as a gay man on "Good Morning America" in April. Viewers first met Colton when he appeared on Becca Kufrin's season of "The Bachelorette." The former NFL player was tapped to be the next bachelor, where he ended his season early to be with Cassie Randolph, who was not looking for an engagement at the time. In May of 2020, after nearly a year and a half together, the couple announced their split. Just a few months later, news broke that Cassie had filed a restraining order against Colton (via Us Weekly) as he had planted a tracking device in her car and reportedly harassed her via text message.

During his exclusive sit-down with Robin Roberts, Colton revealed his true identity. "I've ran from myself for a long time, I've hated myself for a long time. And I'm gay," he told Roberts. The former defensive end also addressed his issues with Cassie. "I'm sorry for any pain and emotional stress I caused," he shared. "I wish that it wouldn't have happened the way that it did. I wish that I had been courageous enough to fix myself before I broke anybody else."

Colton Underwood admits he used drugs to cope with his secret

In a new Netflix docu-series called "Coming Out Colton," Colton Underwood gets deeply personal about his journey of self-discovery and drops some major bombshells about his life. "I was suppressing my sexuality so hard that I was taking medication daily to deal with depression and anxiety, and that made me a paranoid freak," the reality star divulges in the series, per Page Six. "I didn't trust a whole lot of people, and I was trying to do anything and everything I could to protect a secret." He adds on-screen (via Page Six) that he "hit rock bottom" and "took a lot of Xanax" one night to try and "not wake up the next morning."

The trailer for the series begins with Colton saying, "I didn't want to be gay and the main voices in my head were just telling me, 'you'll get through this, you'll get through this.'" In another clip, he reveals that he never expected to be open about his sexuality. "I never thought I was gonna come out. I thought I was gonna die with this secret," the former Chargers player admitted. 

He also gave insight as to why he was coming out now. "I'm ashamed and I'm sort of mortified of what got me into this position in the first place. I put a poor girl through hell of my own insecurities," he says. "Coming Out Colton" drops on Netflix on December 3.

If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline​ at​ 1-800-273-TALK (8255)​.